


Noticed

by TrashStash



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter/Funhaus RPF
Genre: Gen, Heavy Angst, Suicide
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-19
Updated: 2016-12-19
Packaged: 2018-09-09 05:27:09
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,036
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8877718
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TrashStash/pseuds/TrashStash
Summary: It wasn't something everyone noticed, that was a concern when someone even did notice. Lawrence would come into the office like he always did, almost an hour before anyone of them, and would start on a video they had recorded a day or two prior.Lawrence had a routine, and it started so early and was so quietly done that it wasn't like they could tell when it started slipping.   National Suicide Hotline, open 24/7 and completely free and confidential : 1-800-273-8255





	

**Author's Note:**

> I've been dealing with some stuff. I wrote this to help, and I hope it helps you too.

It was just minor things. 

It wasn't something everyone noticed, that was a concern when someone even _did_ notice. Lawrence would come into the office like he always did, almost an hour before anyone of them, and would start on a video they had recorded a day or two prior. Lawrence had a routine, and it started so early and was so quietly done that it wasn't like they could tell when it started slipping.

But it had happened so silently and quickly that they hadn't _noticed_ the changes.

They didn't _notice_ when Lawrence started to doze off while editing. Usually, he was only seen with his back turned to the camera, or the steady stare to his monitor. When Lawrence would close his eyes for five minutes at a time it was rarely seen.

It was _rare_ to notice Lawrence not getting a joke right away. They went through so many jokes in such a short amount of time, improving off of each other and going along with bits that sometimes they fell behind on it and it was understood. So having one or two extra jokes that weren't followed or went along with _weren't_ that noticed, unless it was something that went on for a longer time. They would tease him about it, and he would joke about that to try make up for it. So it evened out.

It began to get noticed when Lawrence _did_ try. It was usually in an Openhaus recording, where whatever question the fans asked Lawrence would go a bit farther with the joke he made or was given, where he'd get up or act out the whole thing. It was funny, yes, and everyone noticed because only last week did they all poke at him for his lack of improv skills. Seeing him actually go along with cringy portrays of himself were funny but different. It was different.

It wasn't _unnoticed_ when he'd take every break he had to rest rather than eat. He more often than not lied on the couch and just rested, or would forget how long he had actually _been_ resting. He'd decline an invite to lunch, saying he wasn't up for it, saying he'd get something later. They asked upfront, wondering if he felt ill or was okay, but his explanation was just that he was actually ill and just needed a few weeks. They had recently gone to an event anyway, it matched. So they let him rest, go ahead, yes you've been lying down for almost an hour now, no you didn't show me the video yet to check out. It was just someone who felt sick and needed a week or two.

They started asking him if anything was actually wrong when after a month since the event that he still avoided eating. He had lost some weight, and concerned for his health from the lack of eating they had seen happen they asked. He responded with just feeling off, everything was fine, he was just messing around with his diet and was adjusting to it.

Headaches became a regular, rather than the occasional migraines he oh so vocalized when they happened. He took more breaks when they happened, and after they subdued (which could go as long as forty minutes) he'd just be sitting at his desk with his eyes closed.

The production of their videos became lower, as well as the editing time became longer when a project was handed to Lawrence to do. It wasn't something they didn't talk about to each other, a fluctuation in activity to Lawrence's videos were noticed in their charts. Stats told them that they weren't _hitting_ their daily quota with his videos. It hurt to bring it up to him, but Bruce had too.

Lawrence was frustrated, to say the least. He made brash comments about it, saying that even though he was the one who wasn't hitting the quota that at least _he did his best in his work_. It made James scoff, Matt stare. Bruce only asked for them to talk outside. 

Lawrence said they didn't need to go anywhere. Why did they need to go? Wasn't he the one who brought up everyone noticing his lack in energy when working?

The next morning they saw him at his monitor, eyes fixed on his screen. As they walked in they all noticed his pink eyes, slightly puffy and a bit congested looking. He told them he just had the cold, probably got it from someone at the (yet again) event they had gone to recently. 

Throughout the day it was obvious he didn't want to be there. He showed Bruce an already finished project, Bruce asking surprised about how he already finished a video when it was _only going onto_ eleven. Lawrence only said he had gotten here before Omar before asking if he could go home after he looked it over. Said he wasn't feeling that well. Hesitant Bruce nodded, looking at Lawrence with a concerned expression. Elyse noticed it as she got up to take a break and stretch, and she asked Lawrence if he was okay. 

Lawrence didn't answer as he started packing his stuff for the day when Bruce had agreed. 

-

Lawrence stood in his apartment, hands shaking as he finished his notes. He took a step back, examining everything feverishly, organizing everything and making sure notes were left strategically and doors were locked before taking a breath. He looked around his room, the neon lights on in his dark room, the purple casting an almost dream like atmosphere to the situation. 

He held a shoe lace in his hand, and with his hands still shaking he walked over to his closet, checking if his door was locked one more time as he passed by it. 

He almost wanted to cry, but the small buzz he felt from the drinking he had done earlier, as well as a still feverish mindset from his cold made him fight it. He couldn't get emotional now, it would take away the whole point in this; Take control of yourself. 

He entered the closet, quietly tying the lace. He felt almost sick with adrenaline, peaking the nausea as he made a secure knot to the wooden beam, before taking his last breath and dropping

-

It was that night when he had been found. Bruce had been near Lawrence's place, initiating the look for him when he hadn't picked up or answered his messages. Bruce was at Lawrence's door, waiting for an answer for his knocks when he had almost missed it when leaving. A piece of folded paper stuck out under the door, and giving a light pull he got it out. He opened it, a awful feeling as he did so. His hands shook, reading it over before yelling and calling 911. 

In ten minutes, the police were breaking his bedroom door down and charging in. 

They found him a short while after, and the expression one of the officers had was all Bruce needed before trying to make his way in. The officer told him he didn't need to see, that if he could go down to the lobby that it'd be best. Bruce felt shocked, a cold chill going through him as he processed what was actually happening. He stopped, staring at the officer as he again asked him to go down to the lobby. He glanced behind the officer, seeing the shadows of the others as he assumed they were taking him out. He flinched as he saw one of the officers start to count to ten, quickly backing up as another chill ran through him at the thought of him counting was an attempt to do CPR on him. 

He was sitting in the lobby when he had finally wrapped his brain around what had happened. Police officers were everywhere, escorting the residents inside to go into the lobby as well. Lights flashed through the doors, the sound of radios just white noise to Bruce's realization.

Lawrence died. He couldn't believe the note, Lawrence's writing telling whoever read it what he had done and that he needed them to understand. He had made it only to the second to last sentience before he had called. He almost wanted it to be a sick joke as he kept yelling and knocking, the neighbors looking through cracked doors as Bruce shook the door.

He looked up as a group of officers and firefighters came down the stairs. He took a sharp breath as they put down a stretcher, a white bag with the outline of a body laying on it. He got up, but didn't move as he heard the murmurings of everyone as they made their way through the lobby.

He felt sick. He looked at an officer as he walked up to him. He held a somber look, and as he started to describe what had happened Bruce sat back down again.

-

They had given Bruce the notes an hour later. By then it was going onto ten, and from what information the doctors at the hospital had told him was that he had been dead for a good five hours already.

He checked his phone, seeing three messages from Matt that were sent at 9:37PM. He realized with a wrenching grief that he had to tell everyone about Lawrence. He still couldn't believe it himself, how the fuck was he supposed to tell someone else?

He told Matt first, only because he was his room mate and needed someone to be there when he needed to call everyone at work to meet him at his place, the hospital having already dealt with the family.

He called Matt, and Matt picked up two rings into it

"Hey" Matt said

Bruce didn't say anything for a second, just breathed heavily as only then did he finally feel the actual realization that Lawrence committed _suicide_. 

"Hey, Bruce," Matt said again, voice louder in case he hadn't heard his first greeting "You there?"

"Matt, mother fucker Matt please come pick me up," Bruce said as his throat knotted painfully "Mother _fucker_ the idiot did it"

Matt paused for a second before asking worriedly "What happened to Lawrence?" 

Of course Matt knew that he had checked up on Lawrence, he was right behind Matt when he had turned off the highway towards Lawrence's place.

-

A month after Lawrence's death did Funhaus talk about his decision.

It was originally going to be an Openhaus episode, with them taking questions related to mental health or Lawrence himself, but as they brainstormed on how to go about it Omar suggested to do a podcast type of episode.

The atmosphere became somber, because since his death they hadn't _done_ a podcast. Yes, it was a huge impact to cut out a part of their schedule, but unlike Rooster Teeth everyone _knew everyone_. The interns fit in _one room_ , with the main people in Funhaus as well. It was _noticeable_ when one of them was absent.

They hadn't really touched the podcast room. They wondered if they should, considering it had only been a month, and since it was Lawrence's show they wondered if the fans (including them) would be able to handle it. They had left it relatively the same that week they had used it. Untouched as they recorded their last podcast with him.

They decided not to record a podcast in there. They couldn't, not yet, but they did decide to do it in the office, recording like it was an Openhaus episode. 

-

-

"Hey guys, as you can tell from the title-"

"What, are we coming out or something?" James joked, but it didn't deliver funny. It was monotone, and James just barely smiled at it

Adam laughed "Yes, we're all in a polyamorous relationship-whatever, welcome to a _podcast_ type episode this time. And uh," he looked at everyone for comfort "We'll be talking about Lawrence," another pause, Bruce nods at him "and about _mental_ _health_. We thought it'd be the best choice for us to talk about what's happened at Funhaus"

Adam took a shaky breath in, and when he choked Bruce quickly took it over 

"Yeah, guys we'll be answering questions you all have been asking since we announced what's happened. I know that it's uh, very _confusing_ to have this happen. I'll be keeping some things private in respect to Lawrence's family, but I'll do my best to be open with you guys"

-

After thirty minutes, they were onto their last question.

They all took a breath. It was hard, for them to be sitting here as they saw the empty spot where Elyse and Lawrence used to be (as Elyse wanted to sit with James and Adam moved beside Matt to grant her that wish), and seeing the empty spot in the circlewasn't easy to deal with. The last question was last for a reason, and when no one wanted to read it Bruce again took the initiative to start

"From Michael Woods, 'Since I've heard about Lawrence's death I haven't felt right about it. I can't believe that someone I've watched since Machinima is gone, especially by suicide'," Bruce paused, cleared his throat before continuing "'since I myself have attempted. I never expected for someone who meant so much to people, someone in the public eye to take their life. I always saw you guys as funny, perfect humans, with almost always a flawless schedule and content IMO. So when the original guys at RT posted a journal, and Bruce posted his own journal it became almost personal, like an uncle I saw daily did it. I've gone back to therapy, having my own suicidal thoughts come back, and It hurts to know that I'm getting help for someone who didn't. I want to tell you guys that you're all so strong for continuing on making content, and I hope you all are taking care of yourself'," Bruce's voice wavered, and this time he didn't pause "'Because I don't want to see any of you hurting. Take care, as I'm currently going to a session with my therapist. I love you guys'."

After a second of absorbing it, James started

"Thank you Michael, I'm glad to hear that you're making sure you're safe. I know that it was very shocking to hear about Lawrence's decision, uhm, since he, he uh, _never did hint_ about it, that's something that bothers me. He never gave a straight answer about his mental state, and since his death Elyse and I _have_ _been_ going to some counseling. I did it because Elyse told me she wanted to go, and when I decided to go as well we've talked about it to each other as well"

He paused, allowing Elyse to get her part in

"Yeah, I was feeling quite confused, since out of all the people I know it was Lawrence who committed _suicide_. That's a very horrible feeling to wake up to someone calling you to say ' _Hey, your friend who you care about a bunch died last night_ ', and _then_ you figure out it was by their own doing. I looked around for a counselor about two weeks ago, and if any of you guys are hurting still, or like Michael has said are also thinking about suicide please go get help. It's honestly not worth it"

"We're not perfect in any way," Matt said "I know that we all have been very different, and before Lawrence's death he had been different as well. It wasn't noticeable, but in the end we realized how much he had changed when it was too late. I can't speak for everyone here but I've felt like I should join him as well. It's not the first time myself that I've had those thoughts but like Michael I also got help. I know it feels painful to get help when someone didn't, but we'll only multiply that pain if we don't"

"Yeah, that's true Peake" Adam said "We've all felt depressed at one point, and a case like Lawrence's he didn't get help when he got too deep into that feeling. I'm not mad at him for doing it, nor do I ever try hold it against myself or others, he just couldn't see how to even begin to get out of it, but like all of us here, and like you, Michael, we are able to get help, as well as to make sure everyone around us is okay"

"I want you all to know that you matter. I don't give a shit what the fuck is happening, I don't care if you're gay, straight, or if you're _trans_ or _non-binary_ or _whatever the fuck makes you a target to bullshit, **you fucking matter**_. I can't express that enough, Lawrence didn't talk about his mental health, and I don't know if he was ashamed or embarrassed about it, or if he thought no one cared, but I can also say that **_yes it fucking matters_** "

Bruce took a breath, and as he wiped at his eyes he saw everyone else crying as well. Elyse giving quiet hiccups, while Matt and James were staring at their keyboards. Adam only nodded at let his chin tremble as he stared at Bruce. After another hiccup Elyse spoke up

"Tell a friend, a family member, someone you trust but if you can't do that call a hotline," _hiccup_ "they're almost always free, or go onto the chat rooms, both are anonymous and confidential,"  _hiccup_ "you matter to someone at the end of the day, and as much as you hate yourself, or think you're dumb, or if you think it's not that big of a deal it is, it is"

Bruce decided to end it there

"We'll be leaving links to some websites, as well as the numbers to some hotlines for you guys down in the description. We'll be uploading regularly next week, until then we'll be taking another break. I know we've almost always been gone this month but I hope you understand"

Everyone nodded.

-

**A/N : Here's a list to a bunch of hotlines ([x](https://mentalillnessmouse.tumblr.com/post/21961172409/accepting-help-is-brave-hotlinescrisis-lines)). Take care everyone. **


End file.
